I remember when I turned 30, a friend asked me, “So, how does it feel to be 30?” I didn’t even have to think about it. I laughed and said, “Girl, I’ve felt like I was 30 since I was in junior high.”
We both cracked up, because that’s what I do, I make heavy things sound light. It’s how I’ve always coped with things. But later, when I was alone, that moment stuck with me. Because I was joking, but that’s how I really felt. I had felt like an adult for a long time. Not because I was some gifted child or just ‘really responsible,’ but because I was handed responsibilities that children aren’t physically, emotionally, or mentally equipped to handle. And eventually, I learned that there’s a word for that: parentification.
It sounds clinical, but if you’ve lived it, you know. Parentification is what happens when a child is expected to take on adult responsibilities. Sometimes it’s making dinner, getting siblings ready for school, or managing the household because no one else will. Other times, it’s absorbing the emotional weight of a parent’s struggles, being their sounding board, therapist, or peacekeeper.
I do want to clarify there’s a big difference between parentification and healthy responsibility. Healthy responsibility means a child is given age-appropriate tasks that help them learn independence, like making their bed, doing homework, having a set chore they are responsible for, and so on. Parentification, on the other hand, happens when a child is expected to take on adult roles or manage heavy emotional burdens that they’re not developmentally ready for.
And it doesn’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it sneaks in because a parent is chronically ill, or overwhelmed, or struggling with addiction or mental health challenges. Sometimes it’s just the way the family functions, and no one ever calls it what it is.
It becomes your normal. Until one day, you realize that “normal” left you emotionally stretched, burned out, and unsure of how to just be… a person.
We don’t talk about it enough, especially because society loves to romanticize the “mature child.” The one who never complains. The one who’s so responsible, so helpful, so put together. What we don’t see is the cost. We praise the calm, capable kid without asking why they had to be that way in the first place.
And if you’re like me, it followed you into adulthood. You might feel exhausted by relationships where you’re always the one holding it together. Maybe you struggle to rest without feeling guilty. Maybe you can’t ask for help without it tying knots in your stomach. You might feel like it’s your job to fix everything, and if you can’t, you feel like you’re failing.
That’s not just your personality. That’s the role you were trained to play.
And it’s not just something we make up in our heads, this kind of early role reversal has been shown to leave lasting marks. It’s been linked to higher stress, anxiety, depression, even physical health problems. It can shape how you see yourself, how you relate to others, and how you handle life.
But it’s not all black-and-white. Some children who experienced parentification developed strengths, like empathy, leadership, and resilience especially when they felt supported, appreciated, or found meaning in their role. The context matters. The emotional toll tends to be worse when the child felt unacknowledged, unsupported, or unfairly burdened.
Still, even those of us who “turned out fine” often carry invisible weight. We over-function. We bottle things up. We downplay our own needs because we’ve learned to center everyone else’s.
But here’s what I want you to know: none of this means you’re broken. These are learned survival patterns. You did what you had to do with what you had. But now? You get to choose something different.
You don’t have to earn rest. You don’t have to hold everyone else together. You’re allowed to take up space, ask for help, feel your feelings, and say no without guilt.
Healing from parentification isn’t about blaming your parents, it’s about understanding yourself. It’s about making room for the version of you that never got to just be a kid. The one who’s still waiting to be seen, heard, and taken care of.
If any of this feels familiar, you’re not alone. You’re not dramatic. You’re not imagining things. You were given a job that never belonged to you, and you did your best with it.
You were never “just mature.” You were parentified. And you don’t have to carry that forever.
Sources
Dariotis, J. K., Chen, F. R., Park, Y. R., Nowak, M. K., French, K. M., & Codamon, A. M. (2023). Parentification Vulnerability, Reactivity, Resilience, and Thriving: A Mixed Methods Systematic Literature Review. International journal of environmental research and public health, 20(13), 6197. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph20136197
